There’s a million of questions, concerns, and fears that I am holding based on my current life situation. It is not easy to be a MSW Intern with an agency that you are passionate for, with a supervisor that reminds you of Miranda Priestly (Devil Wears Prada).
It is not easy to question if you’ve made the right decision and to practice walking on eggshells. You mess up. You get hurt. You think you are serving people and you get yelled at. You get told not to cry because your tears could not even be comforted by tissues. You are told to hold all your emotions in -- because that’s what a good MSW does right? You have to keep your cool. You don’t want your client (or anyone) for that matter to see you are weak. You don’t want to be human. You are superman.
Yet for me, when I sit alone in quiet place then the tears come. I am overwhelmed. My heart is not strong enough to deal with all the things. I am not strong enough to deal with all the things. I become anxious. I anticipate the next day I will Intern and how much potential terror will come. I will look for good indicators of things being positive such as my supervisor saying, “how are you” or “have a good weekend.” I hear these things and I want to think see -- she is nice. I am silly to feel the hurt I’ve felt. I am silly to cry about this. Stop it Gaby, stop being so dumb. She is nice. Stop being so sensitive.
These thoughts race through my head in a couple minutes and I teach myself how to ignore my emotions and calm myself down. I’ve apparently became a master of denial. I put on my smiley face and continue on. I don’t expect the next storm because I have never even dealt with the last one.
The question that comes to me now in this moment, in the midst of all my current anxiety, fears and tears is: Where is my hope?
Where is my hope? Oh my soul. Where are you?
Is my hope in Man or God?
If it is in man, I will always be disappointed because the earth isn’t my home. I am not welcomed here and I am probably not liked here.
If it is in God, I will always be comforted. I will find peace in the form of rainbows after storms and shelter. I will find peace (in time) from the joy of knowing this earth is not my home. I am not the sum of how others make me feel -- but I am loved by a creator who loved me enough to challenge me. I am loved despite my actions, failures, selfishness, and stupidity. I am loved simply because I am his creation. He delights in knowing me. He will provide me with all the tissues and shoulders to cry on. He will comfort me always, consistently, every time with his love. IT WILL always be more than enough.
I am not the sum of everything that people make me feel. I am not the sum of how my past has made me feel. I am not the sum of how a supervisor makes me feel. I am more than my failures. I am loved by my creator.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.
Song of Solomon 4:7
