"I know."

I had a interesting realization today as a result of recent events. As you know, all of the children that I work with are ones removed from their homes and temporarily placed here until they can have reunification with their parents on be placed in foster families permanently.

In the past four days, four boys have left our facility. This week two of my very own girls that I have grown to love and care for over the past month are most likely leaving. As I begin to the pack their things, I realize that was scares me the most about this is knowing I can't take care of them anymore.

For the past month, I have been the one that has helped bathe, feed, clean, change and take care of them. I have fixed their cuts and bruises and held them when they were scared from a bad dream. And soon - I will no longer be the person to do this. I realize part of my fear is wondering if they will be okay and really having no way of knowing.

The question came to me: How much do I really trust my Lord?

How often is this the same as my walk with the Lord? I go in different directions and may have no way of knowing where he is leading. I become afraid because I want the control. I want to be the one to take care of myself or in this case, my girls. I want to hold them and I want to fix them. And if its not me- how am I to know that is it being done? God walks along side me and holds my hand and whispers to me, "I know." Not only does he love us as his children he chose to send his Son to die for my life. What greater love is there then this? The amount I could love these children and how great it feels is nothing compared to the depth and width the love my Father has for them.

I realized today that I have no control over their lives. I have no will or say in the direction their lives take. All I can do is trust and pray that God is with them. I can just pray that from the quick glimpse and time they have spent around me they would see the love of Christ. I pray that even if abuse continues they would be comforted in knowing that the creator of all the universe loves them and knit them perfectly. This is all I can do.

Ezekiel 3: 14

The Spirit lifted me up and took me away. I went with bitterness and turmoil,

but the Lord's hold on me was strong.

Obedience

I have been challenged in new ways these past few days with getting a 2 year old to listen and do what I say. I have tried different methods of communicating and at often times she will not listen to anything I say. She will take all the paper of a toilet roll, try to flush a wash cloth, pour water all over the floor. She will ask for help only to decide she wants to do it on her own and will cry when I do it because she doesn't understand that I know what's best for her.

What a example of our relationships with our creator! How often do I run from God and decide "hey this is a good idea let me flush a wash cloth?" God calmly pulls me back and tells me no. Yet I continue to run from his presence thinking, "I'm an adult. I know what I am doing." But how often are we in reality just acting like a two year old in our relationship with him.

I had this realization recently as I tried to hold Amaya and watch a movie with her. She wanted to go and sit on the bed with Tessa and Jessie but when she did she would bite them. As a form of punishment, I told her she would sit in my lap and watch the movie until she could behave in the bed with them. She tried to run from me to be in her room by herself instead of watching the movie in my lap. What a clear picture of Christ. God tells us, come here let me hold you and I will keep you safe. I will calm you down. Here let's watch this movie together. I want to hold you in my arms. Yet, like the child we are - We are afraid and run away and choose a room full of darkness rather then enjoying the presence of God with us.

I pray for Amaya daily that she will learn to trust me. I pray she will learn that I care for her and I will keep her safe. I praise God for every small act of obedience that she does and the few moments of the day that she learns I care for her. I pray to God that he would keep me calm and teach me patience in how to love her every moment even as she screams and runs from me.